Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sexual Meanderings

I love sex and sexuality. Everything about it captivates me, body and mind, on every level.

Sexuality is, in my perception, the core of our being. It is the repository of our deepest desires and greatest fears. It is both our strongest and weakest point, the fulcrum around which we may be elevated to our greatest fulfilment or lowered to our deepest depths.

The journey of exploration that is sharing sexuality is one fraught with risk. It is a slow building of trust, a reaching out, exposing ever increasing amounts of oneself and hoping to receive a welcome rather than a rejection.

I have always found that the sharing of bodies is the least part of sex. For me, there has also to be a sharing of thoughts and feelings - and these are much harder to reveal and are more potent for that.

Perhaps this is a function of the life I have lived, which has sex being more verbal and emotional than physical. I write erotica with legendary effects, which isn't much to show for my life but at least is something. I can talk dirty to Olympic standards.

I have had three very significant relationships during my imprisonment, the longest lasting ten years. These have been life enhancing encounters, supportive, exploratory and fulfilling in their way. As well as boxes of highly charged letters, these have the legacy of helping me to become who I am today.

Even in this seemingly barren environment, then, there is the potential for sexuality to be explored and developed. Through visits, tapes, and phone calls there is a great deal of sharing that can happen and its outcome can be wonderful.

I'm lousy at flirting, though. Given the dangers involved in becoming entangled with female staff, or misreading a signal and being hammered for making a pass, I unconsciously developed a filter that screens out the signs of flirting. I just don't notice it, even if everyone around me can see what is happening. The effects of imprisonment are strange, sometimes.


  1. I started reading this late last night after a long day at work...I'm leaving at the end of the month to begin working in a cat b prison as a drugs worker...and am trying to read everything I can - the statutory stuff, the charity stuff and the personal stuff, before I start. Actually this isn't at all what I wanted to say, so is a bit of a pointless comment. But I notice that many of the posts don't have any comments - so this is to encourage you that you are being read. Lots.

  2. Isn't what Ben defines as sexuality just LOVE?

  3. Am so glad to hear that Ben has managed 3 significant relationships and hope there are more to come for him.

    Alex - please note that lots of us read Ben all the time - even if we don't always comment.

  4. ok thanks Jo. Sorry if I caused offence.

  5. I am another one who regularly reads here but doesn’t often post, but I do think of Ben when I read, and what he writes about.
    So often it is great food for thought, and even on lighter topics he is always interesting.
    Thanks Ben

  6. It's OK Alex - hope you now read as often as some of us do. It is all enlightening and interesting.

    Best wishes.