Murder, Responsibility, Remorse

We killers tend not to talk about the effect of our crimes on ourselves. It is a private as well as a public tragedy and rarely for public display, and risks appearing self-indulgent. There are few of us who intended to kill, and even fewer who defend what they did. We can explain, but cannot excuse.

It is a perpetual burden, feeling one step away from the human community. It is a sore that cannot be healed and a wrong that cannot be righted. As only the victim can forgive, then there can never be any solace in absolution.

Each of us deals with it in a different way. Some sink into self loathing. Some kill themselves. Some spend the rest of their lives trying to hold together a fractured psyche. And some try to fill the void with external distractions, drink, drugs.

I was repelled by that part of myself and spent years trying to explore my psyche and repair it, and I outwardly challenge analogous behaviours - abuses of power. Non-violence is now a lodestone.

And yet, despite our crimes, even the most depraved of us still feels human - and maintain all human sensibilities.