Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Royal Assassination Plot

On my way to grab my lunch a screw asked, seemingly in passing, if I had any plans to kill Princess Anne? I said I'd check my schedule, but that I didn't think so.

Royalty was visiting. Having destroyed a wing in the 1990 riots, a shiny, new and vastly more robust structure replaced it. And it took a VIP to nail a plaque to its wall to declare it open, Princess Anne drawing that short straw.

I was extremely indifferent, both to the Royal visit and the existence of Royalty per se. And so on the day of this Royal visitation I just wandered into work, got on with my job, and thought no more of it.

The doors flew open and a PO (Principle Officer) strode in, eyes swivelling like a Secret Service wannabe. He even had an earpiece for his radio, which we thought terribly sad in a 'secret squirrel' way. Behind him was the larger entourage, a Princess in the middle.

Princess Anne began to make her way into the workshop, weaving towards my work area. The PO jumped, pointing and I found myself staring into the eyes of a hefty screw and two civilian bodyguards. They stood around me, staring, while trying to pretend this was all somehow perfectly natural.

I missed a bit out, it may be significant. My job was a 'cutter', and I was kneeling up on a large cutting table, merrily slicing textile patterns. My work tool was a foot long electrically powered cutting blade, which could take an arm off in the blink of an eye. But still...

Anne paused and began talking to my workmate, within a few feet. I kept cutting and the guards kept leaning closer towards me. And then she was gone, off into the next building.

Later, I cornered the PO and asked what the hell that performance was all about? He said that as he caught sight of me, his heart was in his mouth and he sent the guards to section me from Princess Anne. I asked the obvious question, "If you really thought I posed a threat, why didn't you just keep me out of work today?"

I've said it before, and I will keep saying it. These people have had me in their care for most of my life and they know absolutely nothing about me. After all, if I'd have chopped Anne in half I would be laying myself open to a charge of failing to meet my work allocation.


  1. I remember when the exact same august personage visited our scientific establishment to open a new lab or bless a new fancy piece of equipment or some such. The restrictions on us were so awful that 5minutes before the annointed lockdown time I took myself off into the sealed world of the animal house to weigh some mices as part of a general experimental protocol.

    Having taken about half an hour to do this I though myself safe to emerge I had just cracked the outer door of the sanctuary when a functionary I had not seen physically grabbed me and shoved me back inside. It seemed the august personage party was just leaving.

    Goodness knows what potential biological horrors I might have had in my possession (I was in fact armed with a metal trolley, an electronic scales, a plastic beaker (mice don't sit still on scales) and an A4 red bound work book and a pen. Oh and I would also have had various large bottles of powdered mouse chow laced with extract of broccoli or not. Hardly a promising set of ingredients for a dirty bio bomb. I was quit affronted at being manhandled especially as I thought I was fine. They are like buses, august personages, never on time.

  2. Hi Ben

    Can I be nosy :) and ask what actually happened on the day of the incident what led you to commit the crime?


  3. Hehe, they obviously didn't know much about Princess Anne either or they'd know she is quite capable of handling herself when necessary - I'm pretty sure her security are there to make she doesn't hurt the paparazzi as much as anything else! :).

    I've met her twice because of the Riding for the Disabled Association and I have to say that whilst I generally have no time for Royalty, she was very decent.

  4. Ben has yet to speak in public about the specifics of his crime, which is unusual as he is very open in general. The two reasons he has given me for this are that he doesn't want to add to the amount of "violence porn" around, ie feeding the morbidly curious; and that he also bears in mind that his victims family may not appreciate having every blow rehashed for them to read. That said, he's also joked that he must hold something back in case he writes his autobiography... So never say never.

  5. I find people amazing, Ben! I would never dream of asking you the 'why'. Yes, 1. it is none of my business. 2. There are many things to find out about this world and it's dreaded ways and secrets, to go trying to go through your minds belongings.
    As you say Ben, You need to keep something back at least.

  6. Norman, we are all philosophers, every day of our lives we ask the question 'why' if we did not do this, how would we gain knowledge, don't you agreed Ben!