Too Much Information??

My health has always been good. I've never spent more than one night in hospital, never broken a bone and - my dodgy serotonin levels aside - I've bumbled through life pretty unscathed.

And then my semen turned brown. As events likely to perturb a man go, this is up there with being Bobbited. The problem righted itself, but off to the Doctor I went. Blood tests followed, and suddenly I appreciated the idea of ignorance being bliss.

My PSA level is elevated, as are my sodium levels and cholesterol. So my prostate, kidneys and ticker are all deciding to be troublesome. At best, this is a minor glitch. At worst, this is cancer, diabetes and heart disease.

This is why men rarely trouble their GP. If we don't know, then we have nothing to trouble our serene existence. I should have stuck to my gender trait!

Of course, the fact that I have to be carted off to hospital for a medic to stick a finger up my bum is giving my mates vast entertainment. But apart from the general indignity of it, the fact that I will be handcuffed to one of the Prison Service’s finest for the procedure only adds to the appalling prospect.