Monday, November 22, 2010

Disequilibrium

For a while now it has been my practice to dive out onto the yard as soon as we are unlocked in the morning. Selecting my bench, I can have half an hour to myself. It has become a brief time in which I have found some sort of internal stillness, a pleasant reminder of my Zen years.

This peace is made slightly more difficult to achieve when the weather is awful, as it was today. The worst combination of cold, rain and wind, leaving me huddled in my woolly hat, a scarf of Dr Who proportions, fleece, and gloves. As ever, there was one man striding around in a pair of shorts, making me wonder if I was a wimp or if he was a half-wit?

Today, though, I found myself unable to disassociate myself from the turmoil that has descended in the last day or so. Being handed cancer and Open prison simultaneously gives rise to a combination of thoughts and feelings that I was never prepared to deal with. One thing at a time, yes, but this is just a lot to process! Interesting times...

5 comments:

  1. No wonder you are in turmoil, the sooner the MoJ hurry up and release you to open prison the better, that at least may give you the strength and courage you need to fight the cancer. God knows you have waited long enough. You are a fighter Ben, keep fighting.

    Wishing you Love. yds xx

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  2. 'Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.' John 14:27

    You're in my prayers Ben.

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  3. You stay focused....be strong, you have come so far in your life...your positive thinking and the strength to project yourself forward has enabled you amongst other coping stratigies to move forward...Its another climb up that rocky mountain of life...We are all with you in thought and prayer...Stay Strong Ben....PMA ALWAYS....feel the love...Tigerlily

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  4. You will feel in a turmoil - sometimes life can be hard - giving you cancer too seems harsh - but keep strong and determined. You have overcome so much and proved you can survive so do not give up now. Many of us are rooting for you and wishing you the very best. Love from me.

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  5. I don't know what to say. It's a real mind-bender that's for sure.

    I find it helpful to do a bit of visualization. I'm sitting on the deck of a sailing ship, with boxes in front of me. These are labeled with everything that's worrying me. I pack them into an old chest, lock it and shove the whole lot overboard with a massive splash! It seems to help me organize problems in my brain and stop them overwhelming me.

    I'm sure you'll process it well and have something interesting to say when you come out the other side ;-).

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