Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Tired

Somehow, I am very tired of all of this.  I'm tired of fighting my depression, I'm tired of waking up each day to another string of meaningless and empty hours, days, maybe years.  Tired of being frustrated, of having to battle for every little thing, trying to find something positive. And tired of being scared of my cancer.

I'm just...tired of it all.

Everything good that was happening has gone; my studies and career, writing, health - all gone.  And maybe the Cat D too.

I'm tired.

34 comments:

  1. I ought to point out to readers that this has been brought on by the prison's continued refusal to allow Ben his word processor, or the typewriter that was purchased for him by a generous blog reader. He is kept locked up in his cell most of the day with no access to computers either. So much for rehabilitation!

    Ed.

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  2. You should keep your head down and gob shut, if you did that you would be out in 12 months....

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  3. AS I recall the typewriter was explicitly allowed. On what grounds are they withholding it? Or have they not bothered to provide a reason?

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  4. Anonymous at 12.02 - a word of encouragement would be better! Keep strong Ben - it will change - you MUST stay strong for yourself and all of us.

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  5. Keep strong Ben - we are doing all we can out here - I know it's a slow process, but at last, we seem to be getting somewhere. I hope within the next few months you will have everything you want and deserve. Your patience has been incredible, please hang on in there. There are lots of people out here who love you. x x

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  6. Jess, above. No reason given for any of it, I am afraid. He has submitted a letter of complaint to the Governor because typewriters are on the approved items list. If anyone wants to support that letter, the Governor's name is Andy Rogers.

    Anonymous, above. I wish it were true, but far from getting somewhere, Ben is going backwards. He is still in a closed prison, and no word has come from the Ministry as to whether or not he is being referred back to the parole board over the mobile phone issue. At least he was able to write at Shepton, but they have even taken that away from him. No wonder he is feeling low.

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  7. I hope this offers some hope to you Ben. I wrote to my MP after your failed move to an open prison, who forwarded the letter to Ken Clarke, and I have now received a response from Crispin Blunt MP, Parliamentry Undersecretary of State for the Ministry of Justice. In this letter he stated that your case should be re-referred to the parole board shortly. Hopefully this means there will be positive developments soon.

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  8. Tallguy.

    Without wanting to be a doom-monger, I think 'the get out of jail free' word there, - is 'SHOULD'.

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  9. I remember sitting on my bed absorbed in my thoughts and my cell mate another lifer on recall snapping me out of it and making me laugh with his "Woe is me, woe is me".

    On other occasions I have seen prisoners pretend to play a violin upon hearing another prisoner pour out his troubles.

    Sorry Ben, I am more concerned with prisoners votes than a sympathy vote.

    There's the old joke:

    Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

    Doctor: Pull yourself together!

    Or, there is the war song "Pack all your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile smile".

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  10. Sorry to hear about your low morale; however, you've had many chances to get yourself to 'open conditions' & you've wrecked all of them so far with your rash & reckless attitude.Nobody to blame but yourself.

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  11. Everything passes, everything changes, just do what you think you should do Ben.

    And in no time you'll be fine, you'll see.

    Love and best wishes, take good care of yourself.

    May God bless and keep you always x

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  12. How come it is only the anonymouses who are spiteful? Not got the guts to say who you are?

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  13. If your looking for sympathy, you will find it in the dictionary, inbetween shit and syphilis.

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  14. I just checked my Chambers (mini) English Dictionary. It does not contain either the words shit or syphilis. Therefore I consider the above post gives inadequate directions for me to find this "sympathy" whatever it may be. Could the poster please clarify their directions for me?

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  15. Just for you Tallguy, I got my dusty old dictionary out. The concise oxford dictionary.

    Shit is on page 1119

    Syphilis page 1238

    And inbetween, anyone looking for sympathy can find it on page 1238

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  16. Sorry, typo error, Sympathy page 1235

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  17. Stay strong Ben, you mean too much to too many people out here to despair. This will pass and you will be free.

    As for anon @ 6.46 & 11.43.....compassion is also in the dictionary!!

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  18. Anon 11:48

    So is a tw*t.

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  19. Apologies, the 'a' should have been in the word!

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  20. Come, come my friends let us not lower the tone! The SHIT who wrote with the help of a dictionary must have the stink of shit and syphilis well walled in his/her nose! prem

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  21. Shit, I need that dictionary! I need to find the right words! prem

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  22. Oh damn, I put my name to it! prem

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  23. Never mind Prem, I think we know what you're trying to say.

    I can't really understand why certain people read this blog if they can't summon up an ounce of compassion for Ben in his current circumstances. And here's another good word to look up (and to practise) - empathy.

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  24. I think some of the posters here have had a sense of humor failur. I am a empathatic, and compassionate person. ( i do lots of animal rescue.) Lets face it, we all have off days, out here, and in jail. But i am with jail house lawyer on this. If you have spent time in jail, (yes i have) you will meet loads of people on their pitty pots, going on about how they have a bum deal in life etc. Yes, some of them have, some are in a cess-pit of their own making, but either way, whinging about it just saps the life out of you, and everyone around you. The best thing to do is just snap out of it. Easy for me to say, i know, but Ben, and most people reading this have a lot to be greatful for in life. Inc Ben. He can read and write, he has regular mail and visitors. Three meals a day. There are always people worse off. Prisoners in 3rd world prisons (Bankok hilton ???) etc. Oh, and ed, can we get a spell checker on here, then i don't have to get my dusty old dictionary out.

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  25. Anon July 16 8.24 am. If you use Google chrome, your words will be underlined in red if they are misspelt.

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  26. I happen to think it's a very disturbing post and one I wouldn't tend to treat lightly. It's up to Ben of course, but I would be seeking to encourage him to put all the energy he can muster into making progress. No situation is ever irredeemable, but it does require a degree of reflection and a spirit of co-operation. Contrary to some opinion, I'm sure there are lots of people in the 'system' who are keen to help Ben move towards release. I don't think he particularly requires sympathy or compassion, or censure for that matter - just sound, sensible advice - and a willingness to listen to it of course.

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  27. Aren't we all allowed to feel sorry for ourselves once in a while!! For goodness sake, let's have some realism. Ben is entitled to have times when he feels down, tired and thoroughly sorry for himself, like the rest of us. Surely he can't be berated for that as well as everything else! Just about the worse thing you can say to a depressed person is 'pull yourself together' or similar. Just accept that's how he feels at present and leave it at that, or you are telling him his own feelings aren't even valid!

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  28. re. last post(Jules,)sure, feel sorry for Ben for the way he's feeling,yet also - please feel sorry/ empathy,....for loads of other people that experience hardships in their lives in this country/ others...that haven't committed crimes/ murdered others & caused such distress with victim's families.
    For goodness sake - get real & buy the typewriter from ebay & donate the monies elsewhere/ie - Somalia.
    Ben has been given many chances to get to open prison & each time has ruined them all. Why?

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  29. Hang on, let's get this right. Ben has not been given "many chances" to go to open prison (anon above). The move to open was approved in November, it took them until February to put him on the bus, but messed it up and he was turned away at the gate (administrative error, according to Crispin Blunt) and sent to Cardiff, then back to Shepton Mallet. In May he was told that he was off to Prescoed, but a mobile phone was found in his property, placed there by another inmate. Much has been written about the mobile phone issue, but suffice to say that a 10 day stint in the block is the usual punishment. Ben got 21 days in the block, loss of privileges, an unexplained move to another Cat C prison, and has also been referred back to the parole board to see whether or not they consider him fit for open conditions. Somewhat harsh for a mobile phone. Had it been a weapon or a Class A drug, it would be a different matter. but that is just my opinion. Ed.

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  30. Ok people, let us move on from the typewriter and the mobile phone issues. Ben is a point where some important decisions have to be made. It is a criminal offence to smuggle and use a mobile phone in prision and it is punishable with imprisonment and therefore we have to be honest and accept the consequences. Some serious crimes have been planned and committed by the illegal use of mobile phone from inside prisons. The withdrawal of the typewriter is perfectly in line with the prisoner incentive programme. For those who are not familar (1) BASIC (2) STANDARD (3) ENHANCED. Yes, basic means basic!

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  31. Seriously, among all the mobile phone use in our prisons, there has only been one incident of the nature you describe anon 2.22. It is cited on JHL's blog. Being so strict about it causes greater hardship among the prison population and is unrealistic given the technological environment we all live in. Using that one incident to make a ruling or justify a non sensical ruling on the issue makes you wonder whether it is actually being used as a stick to beat prisoners with, meaning they have to stay in longer and are given even more punishment.

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  32. @Anon 6.51pm 16th July - It is perfectly possible to have compassion for Ben and also for other needy people. None of us can cure all the world's ills but must try and make a difference where we can, and where we feel called to do so. Many, many prisoners have also been victims themselves by the way - of childhood abuse/neglect/rejection/injustice/domestic violence etc etc.

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  33. Keep your chin up Ben, you're surely due a lucky break sometime soon. Fingers crossed for a typewriter and a Cat C placement soon. And while cancer is a massive horror, prostate is one that has relatively good survival rates. Keep fighting the fight!

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