Friday, March 16, 2012
The past is, for a Lifer, ever present. History is contemporaneous. How could it be otherwise when I know that my future, my whole life, has been shaped by the singular act of my having killed another human being?
The Editor gets frustrated and cross when people leave ad hominem digs in their comments. I take a more relaxed view. If you were a friend or relative of my victim then obviously anger and resentment must occasionally spill out and onto the page.
It may make the commenter feel better; but I doubt it. As intended, such comments don't make me feel good about myself, leaving me feeling quite helpless and frustrated. There is no way, there is nothing that I can do, to alter the past and bring my victim back to life. Nothing. And there is nothing that I can do to assuage the feelings of those close to him.
I am alive and he is not. This is the unalterable situation I am in. Even if I were to die a horrible death, he will still be dead. So what am I to do? Truly, there is nothing to be done. That this frustrates and angers my victim’s friends or family is a perpetual burden for them that I cannot alter one whit.
The 32nd anniversary of my crime is approaching and it is always a time when I become more reflective, even maudlin. Some years leave this time scarred with nightmares. All of this is meaningless, though, in that it fails to affect the past.
The future is all I have, and I know that it is a future that my victim never had thanks to me. But I must live; there is nothing else. But I never, ever forget.
So keep the cheap shots coming. I know that they are heartfelt and why should I deny those who most feel the pain of my actions a voice? And I ask you to treat such comments they leave with care. If they are people who are hurting then being shot down by other commenters is, well, a bit mean? I may have lacked, amongst many things, compassion when I was 14 but over the course of 32 years many things change.
The pain of my victim’s friends and family is not one of them. It is beyond my power to alter.
Labels: hate; victims