Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years Cheer

The disjunction between my old life and my new one has caused me psychological shocks over the past few months, where I am transported out of the moment and see the broad vista.

I have yet to find my place in this new existence, and that is denying me the moments of inner certainty which allowed - powered - my writing. One outcome of that is a reduction in blog posts, for which  apologise. Try as I might to pass it off as mere writer's block, I know that it is rooted in being unsettled and uncertain at some fundamental level.

As I was at my first (legitimate) New Years Eve party yesterday and the clock ticked down the final few seconds of the year I had one of these moments, psychic shocks, and I had to step outside. Thoroughly drunk, I stood in the middle of the hilltop suburban street in the drizzle, the city laid out before me.

Fireworks were, in Kipling style, shattering the night to the right and left of me and yet there was not another soul in sight. The sharp sounds reminded me of the prison custom - to kick the hell out of the steel cell doors at midnight.

And I stood there in the damp darkness, raising a beer to those I had left behind. For that moment I felt again the pains we shared.

8 comments:

  1. Ben when I was in Brixton I sat and watched the fireworks on the Thames on the telly, but heard the bangs and smelt the smoke and saw the flashes through the window. Surreal and sober, this pain, this what I call 'telepathy' is unique to us. Like me yesterday you get mad overwhelming moments don't forget drink is downer life is an upper.

    Be safe my telepathy brother

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  2. Don't be so harsh on yourself.The past is a different country and so is the future,you have had barely any time to learn the customs and language of this different and difficult new world you find yourself in. Don't underestimate the power of the license,a freedom which becomes so much more precious as the new foundations of a new life are laid down. A freedom that can be so easily revoked is bound to have a staying effect on your writers hand.Give yourself time.I look forward to reading your thoughts in 2013.It was a pleasure to meet you at the Howard League Conference
    Happy New year
    Rachel Stuart

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  3. Don't be so harsh on yourself.The past is a different country and so is the future,you have had barely any time to learn the customs and language of this different and difficult new world you find yourself in. Don't underestimate the power of the license,a freedom which becomes so much more precious as the new foundations of a new life are laid down. A freedom that can be so easily revoked is bound to have a staying effect on your writers hand.Give yourself time.I look forward to reading your thoughts in 2013.It was a pleasure to meet you at the Howard League Conference
    Happy New year
    Rachel Stuart
    Reply

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  4. Be gentle to yourself - many of us have told you that adjusting to your new life will be long and difficult. You have many supports both in your personal life and here on the blog - so use them and take your time. We look forward to continuing to read your thoughts as and when you are able to bring them together. You were bound to experience reaction to being released and making such massive adjustments to the 'real' world will continue to be hard, and quite painful at times, but you will also experience joy and pleasure. May you have a healthy and successful 2013 - very best wishes to your and the Editor. Looking forward to blogs in due course.

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  5. Dear God I was institutionalised after 8 months and that was after 4 years in a convent in Belgium, you would have thought I had learnt! Ben I cannot express how horrified I am at your story. One day, when you learn about what isn't in the public domain about me, you will see why that is.

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  6. Psychic shock, panic attack, depersonalisation … I am just struck that Ben has only now reported such a feeling after all his public appearances etc, it must be like a process of becoming a new person. They say birth is quite a shock, but most people get over it. Ben knows what to do, get away on his own for a while, away from people who unwittingly test or probe his identity, and find that good centre where he knows himself. I have to admit, I sometimes miss my old 6x12ft cell.

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    Replies
    1. I have to admit that I miss one of my cells... but surprisingly, the most cramped one, not because of the cell, or even the cellmate, but because of the good company I had, and the good rapport I had, with the rest of the prisoners.

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    2. Yes, very true, solitude may be second best to good confirming company. I didn't include the sort of anxiety attack that causes a person to hastily vacate a room seconds before a meteoric rock crashes through the spot where he was standing. Sometimes inexplicable fear is your best friend!

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