The Fear of Hope

Sitting in the corner of a poly-tunnel at my workplace, the market gardens, surveying my domain and trying to get all the cat hairs of my chair, I am reflecting on the nature of hope.

On two sides of me, very close, is the free world.  Within touching distance, it seems, I look at houses on one side and woodland on the other. Waiting for my parole answer sharpens my perspective.  A white butterfly is wandering between the greenhouses.

In my position, that hope grows is inevitable.  To make open prison a success then we must try to shift our focus from the narrow and introspective world that is prison and lift our gaze to encompass, even embrace, outside.  And that cannot be done without a wellspring of hope flowing with increasing power.

This hope is not undiluted.  I cannot allow it to be.  Of necessity hope must be guarded by the fear that disappointment may be the outcome.  And that blow needs to be a burden that is bearable.

Hope can destroy as easily as it can sustain.

One Moment

For weeks, writing has been beyond me.  It felt as if everything was beyond me; I have been staggering under the weight of stress from hour to hour. Now the parole hearing is at last behind me.

Sitting out at the end of the wing this evening, my back against the warm brick of the wall, I fell into the moment. The sun was setting, the sky was clear and the rabbits were popping around on the lawns.

It was the first time I have felt a moment of stillness for such a long time.

I think I am back.

Parole Hearing

As usual, I draw a veil over the details of the proceedings out of legal courtesy.

Listed to last 2 hours, the hearing ground on for well over 4.  The Board members seemed to be unusually perceptive and it quickly became clear that the issue wasn't risk of re-offending but whether I would comply with my life licence.  It is pretty much a universal view that I will be hard work to manage!

I left the hearing feeling quite positive but it is vital that I retain a grip on my hopes. To hope for too much, then suffer a bitter blow has been the end of too many Lifers.

Now we must wait.  There is nothing else to be done.

Message from Ben

On the phone this eve Ben said this: "the experience of the parole hearing seems to have broken my hideous depression and resolved my writer’s block.  Good blog stuff is on its way over the next couple of days,  and I thank you for your patience and good wishes."

Waiting Game

Thank you for all the messages of support.

Soon as the result comes, it will be on here!

Hopefully, Ben will put pen to paper in the meantime.....

Big Day

Parole hearing tomorrow.  Big day.

I saw Ben today and he is just hoping for the best..  He hasn't got a plan B.

We are all keeping fingers crossed, family, friends and me, and hoping that the panel decide that being a bit of an "arsey tosser" at times (he has been called that, on the blog!) is not a reason to keep Ben in custody.

Well, it's not really, is it?  Ed.

Pussy Galore

Sidling into work, hiding my disenchantment, I go to "my" polytunnel.  A disgruntled ginger cat has decided to commandeer my comfy chair, but shoots away as I appear.

I feel slightly more at peace with the world when I know that there are cats about.  Even if, like Ginger, all attempts I make to introduce myself are brushed off very sharply.

But Ginger has been a busy boy - a bunch of kittens have now appeared under a bush at the other end of the nick.

Perhaps I should take one home?

Patience

I am having to grind out posts at present, the monkey of writer's block - in the form of stress and depression - has a firm grip on my pen.

Much of my writing is driven by frustration, anger, or when I am in a deeply reflective mood.  Of late, I exist in a paralysing state of stress.  The thoughts that drive the pen seem to be frozen.

Your continued patience with my drivel of late is very much appreciated and I hope that you can stick around to find out where the parole hearing leaves me. Us.

Anonymity

I called in at the office to get a form signed. "How do I know who you are, Mr Gunn?"

Staff play this game at times, so I reached for my I.D. card. "We know who you are", another screw said, and not in a friendly way.

"And I try to go through life unobtrusively," I said with a smile.

"Well it isn't working" they said - without a smile.

Oh dear.  Have I said something....?

No Win, No fee?

At work I had to climb on a table to reach some plants.  The table top collapsed, exacerbating the torn muscles in my arm and pulling my  back.

I wonder what that's worth?!

Thievery and Perks

Ramsay's crew occasionally dip into the kitchen goodies for their own ends.  An onion here, a fairy cake there.  Nothing outrageous.

Well, except to Ramsay.  Being in blissful ignorance of prison culture he fails to realise that such thievery is the norm.

Why?  Because when you have to work all hours for £10 a week, a few "perks" are needed to ease the burden.

Seems reasonable to me.

Generation Gap

"What are you listening to?" I handed over the headphones.  Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here.

"Wow! Is this some sort of Drum n' Base?"

God help me...

Ramsay

This TV series, set in Brixton nick, pits a populist chef against the indifference of the prison service.

Ramsay is at war on all fronts.  Internally, he is fractured by the urge to both punish and reform.  Out of the hearing of the prisoners he is pretty abusive about them and hammers away at the idea of "payback". When with them, he is pulled by the urge to reform them, to open new opportunities in their lives.

This clash of emotion that Ramsay is struggling with is one that reflects the wider society.  Don't we all struggle with the punishment vs rehabilitation problem? Alongside this battle is the one of Ramsey vs the prison service, and we are beginning to discover that the largest hurdle to reform isn't the cons, it is the short-sighted and unimaginative prison policy.

It will be interesting to see how this struggle resolves itself.  If it ever does.

Judgement Day

Sitting around chatting bollocks is a major part of the prisoner experience. As is character assassination. Yesterday I heard the most pointed of judgements being made about another con: "He's the paedo that even the other paedos are embarrassed by."

That's pretty bad.