Personal Blogging

I came to a divergence in the path - and I chose the wrong way forward.

When I began this blog I took the decision to make it personal. How else could I show prisoners, including myself, as three dimensional beings unless I shared my personal journey? And so you had an eclectic mix of blogs, the highs, the lows, and sheer inanity that is daily prison life. It was a journey that you shared.

And then came release. Four years ago today: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/aug/22/ben-gunn-prison-blogging ...how time flies. And the blog changed. My fault for listening to advice! It was strongly impressed on me that the wider world wouldn’t be as quick to embrace me. Most pertinently, I was advised to manage my image, to show only my most professional face. I’m not known for taking advice, yet this seemed very sensible stuff.

The problem with this approach is that I feel it is slightly dishonest, as if I have shut a door in the face of readers who have shared this journey. Release and trying to forge a life are as inherently part of the journey as prison. To confine myself to trying to appear professional at all times seems deceitful.

And so I have decided to return to the eclecticism I used to enjoy, and I suspect you did as well.

First Post

Reflecting on the history of the blog, I noticed that it is nearly 3 years old.  The very first post was on the 31st August 2009, and called "Interesting People, Interesting Places".  http://prisonerben.blogspot.co.uk/2009/08/interesting-people-interesting-places_31.html
We were so excited when we had 9 readers!

Ben asked me this evening to say a big "Thank you" to everyone.  He will be blogging live (i.e. not via me and the Royal Mail) from midweek, and maybe even on his way home on the day his is released. His brother is picking him up at the gate and has an i-pad, so it is quite likely!

Any suggestions on the new title (Ben-decompressing-from-Prison-Blog?) would be welcome!

Message from Ben

On the phone this eve Ben said this: "the experience of the parole hearing seems to have broken my hideous depression and resolved my writer’s block.  Good blog stuff is on its way over the next couple of days,  and I thank you for your patience and good wishes."

The Beast Within

I have often wondered about the nature of blogging at one step removed. This is, I now realise, a luxury that exists solely because of your patience. The result has been to allow me time to reflect, both as I write and as I read your comments as they arrive from the Editor. It has given the blog an opportunity to grow without the bitter heat that could arise from a more immediate blogging experience.

Last weekend, as I sat with the Editor and read some comments, laptop at hand, I found myself having a deeper appreciation of blogging and why some commenters - on so many blogs - wrote in such an intemperate way. This dawned on me as I read an asinine comment - and my urge was to post a response that wasn’t far removed from "and screw you, jerk!" I settled for a touch of pomposity and sarcasm, adding a smiley face to take the edge off.

That was the immediacy that I have been denied since the inception of the blog, and I now ponder upon how (sporadic) legitimate access to the ‘net will change both what and how I write, and whether I will descend into the animalistic abuse that passes tor commenting at times? Or whether I will retain my distance, reflecting upon what is said before responding?

Censorship?

Being summoned to the Centre office is not often a Good Thing. In a prison where contact with staff is

pretty minimal, such a summons can be a malign portent.

I was met by a middle-manager who was holding a couple of pages printed off the blog. He was perturbed, asking if I had permission, who knew about it, and the like. I tried to explain the genesis and status of the blog...this man seemed unconvinced and declared that it would be brought to the governor’s attention.

This has happened, now and then, over the past two years. Some staff are caught by surprise that a prisoner blogging is legal. Some staff recoil at the very notion that any prisoner is able to voice an opinion in public. And some staff are insecure in their work and dread the thought that the prison could be held up to the public gaze.

After two years, though, I still have no answer to the question - why are prison staff still so twitchy about my blogging?

Time Travel

Producing the blog, at my end, has taken on hints of time travel.

For the first 18 months I resided in the 1970's, using a word-processor. For the past 6 months I revisited the scholastic Middle Ages - pen and paper.  Today, I have leapt forward to the late 19th century having finally taken possession of a manual typewriter.

I suspect that the average blogger doesn't have this experience!  And this ever shifting technology base has a real effect on my output. Writing by hand meant that the editor had to decipher and type my posts, a dedication that I could only repay by avoiding long posts.

The typewriter will be a great help but I have to wonder if the prison service will ever allow me to use contemporary technology?

Ed's note:this is a great relief as his writing is terrible!  I can now scan what he sends me into Word. A big thank you to the kind blog reader who donated the typewriter. 

The Slightly Less Silent Majority

The Ed has sent me the comments left to my Silent Majority post, and I thank all of you who responded to my largely rhetorical question of who reads the blog.

It is a pleasant surprise to realise that such a broad spectrum of people take the time to pop in and read; there's no pressure at all on me to keep you entertained then...!

While it would be wonderful - if naive -  to think that anything I wrote could prompt people to abandon deeply held views, that I have nudged some of you to think more deeply about the issues I raise on the blog is gratifying.

Thanks, one and all.

The Silent Majority

I'm told that the number of visits to the blog has settled to between 18,000 and 20,000 a month. Who would ever have imagined that? At the beginning, an eventful 2 years ago, the Editor and myself were overjoyed when a single soul popped in.

In a perfect illustration of the law of unintended consequences, the blog survived a difficult birth and was only brought to the notice of the wider world by the attempt by the Ministry of Justice to shut it down. This was resisted by Jailhouselawyer and the Guardian, and from that point the existence of the blog was assured.

Gathering readers, though, is another matter!  Occasionally I do ponder about the number of "personal" blogs in existence, their readership, and how many of them are begun in a fit of enthusiasm before being left to whither.  Is my having survived for 2 years in itself unusual?

Prior to recent times I had absolutely no idea of the extent of the blogs readership. The Editor's decision to click a few of Google's clever buttons and generate statistics was a revaluation to us both.  And a source of some pressure - which is why I always resisted knowing blog stats!

Most of you remain a mysterious presence, a brief blip of electrons in the ether.  Those of you who do comment have forged a community of strong personalities and voices, which brings me great pleasure.  But the overwhelming majority of you stay silent.

I can't help wondering...who are you?  What is your interest? What are your views?  There will never be answers to these questions but it means so much to me that people all around the world take a little time to read my waffling.

For any other writer/blogger, the loss of their audience may have a significant effect on one part of their existence.  But as I write, I never forget that without you I would be reduced to talking to myself. My world would collapse to the precise dimensions of my cell.

Perhaps in this sense you, the readers, have a far more powerful effect upon this solitary little blogger than readers of other blogs.  You are my umbilicus to a wider world than the narrow corridor I inhabit.  And your efforts have such an intimate influence on my daily life.  It is astonishing to realise that someone in Basingstoke or Adelaide is - via the donate button - responsible for the paper on which I write this, and the cup of coffee at my left hand.  How many bloggers and readers have such an influence upon each other?

Your collective presence makes me feel so fortunate.  And to be fair, I do suspect that I am getting the best end of the interaction!

Belated Anniversary

I have written before about my lack of any perspective on time, and the editor reminded me that the blog's second anniversary has just passed.

Thank you, every one of you who take the time out of your lives to read my outpourings.  Without your presence I'd be howling at the moon!

I only hope that, now and then, I write something that makes you laugh, cry or ponder.  Know that your comments have such effects on me.

Thanks.

Exterminate!

During a passing chat with a Screw I knew decades ago, he told me "they are going to destroy you".

That's a bit strong!  What is going on???

My Fault!

The blog has recently veered off into a far more personal direction than I ever intended.  This is my fault, for being preoccupied by personal events and so neglecting more fundamental issues.

The free diagnoses I'm receiving for my apparently endless psychological issues are perhaps better directed to Facebook.

As soon as I am able, I will swiftly return to limiting my personal intrusions as mere illustrative hooks on which to hang wider musings.

As always, thank you all for your continued attention (and attentiveness) and I hope that my future posts will reward you.

Respect

The last batch of comments mailed in to me by the Editor contained much to inform and entertain me. Unusually, there was a thread of material which also annoyed me.
I have always insisted that there be no comment moderation, and that the freest of speech should prevail. This was my decision even in the face of an expectation that I would receive endless personal abuse.

This freedom comes, not with responsibility, but with an expectation of respect for the blog. It is my hope that commenters moderate themselves, in the sense of attempting to restrain the baser human instincts when afforded the opportunity to speak. In brief, there is an expectation to behave decently.

The strain of comment which distresses me is that which, no matter what the topic of my post, instantly and insistently raises issues of sexism and harangues feminism. This is becoming boring and is wholly irrelevant to the blog, and I would appreciate some restraint being exercised by these commenters. Equally, I would like these comments to be treated as provisional trolling – and to be ignored.

Feel free to abuse me, my crime, my sentence, or my very existence. But I will not stand by and do nothing if the integrity and the atmosphere of the blog is undermined in this way.

Another strand of comments, along with other information, leads me to think that my victim’s family are reading the blog. I would be grateful if all readers could be careful before dismissing harsh comments as mere trollery, lest these comments are the genuine feeling of those I have hurt.

Are these issues, the balance between freedom and respect, ones that all bloggers must inevitably grapple with? Perhaps I should, at the outset, have enunciated a clearer policy – that no comments will be moderated, so long as they are relevant to the purpose of this blog?

Freedom of speech. It’s complicated!

Imperfection

There must be a temptation for all bloggers to apply a little polish to their public patina, to give themselves a rather more glowing persona than may be strictly true.

I have tried to resist this, but not with complete success.  There are swathes of my private life which remain from view, and must remain undiscussed whilst what I write can effect my progress.

This is just a gentle reminder that I am human, subject to the normal range of human passions and flaws, and that whilst my voice and position may be unusual, it should not be elevated.

Your Comments

I should thank you all far more often for taking the time and effort to post your comments. Without them, I would be left shouting into a Void, a nightmare for any writer.

The Editor mails them to me and your responses keep me entertained for a while. And often you leave me rather frustrated and depressed, because I am unable to respond in kind. This is all the worse when someone leaves a particularly kind, or particularly stupid, comment and I'm left gnashing my teeth in impotence.

At best, I could wait for your comments to arrive, read them, write responses, mail them, and the Editor scan them and post them. The reality of this is that it could take a week or more to complete this cycle. And as the Editor works like a Trojan, squeezing in the blog when she should be putting her feet up, to find the time to perpetually post my responses would be an unreasonable imposition.

My apparent silence does not imply any disinterest or lack of engagement, truly. Quite often a comment will spark me into writing a future post on a topic. For the time being, though, this must be the limit of my engagement. Such are the difficulties of blogging without internet access! Feel free to complain to prison service headquarters...

Though this is not a permanent situation. Once I am in Open prison I will have some Net access once on home leave and the like. Obviously, we aren't trusted to have Net access within Open prison itself...Obviously. We're only there to be prepared to re-enter society. Doh!

Comments...

Oh dear, it seems that the blog has now reached that level of popularity where I've been noticed by the cerebrally-challenged. Is this a sign of popularity I should celebrate?

I never insist that people come here and must leave with their initial views transformed, especially if those views are carefully reasoned. But it was always a vague hope that I might add something to the debate, for people to leave here having being prompted into engaging with their own emotions and preconceptions.
Until now, that aspiration seems to have born some fruit, as revealed by the quality of the comments left by readers. For which I thank you all! Some bloggers will doubtless be happy monitoring their traffic for validation but I prefer the old fashioned way - comments.

Now, though, there is an increasing intrusion by people, overwhelmingly anonymous, who just want to pick a select word or line here and there and worry away at it. To what end, just what is the point?

Whatever I read, it is with the hope that it either adds to my sum of knowledge or understanding, or reveals a new perspective that I'd overlooked. Who has the time - and the mentality - just to read in order to pick a pointless fight?

Still, welcome one and all. Even the most narrow-minded and hateful person may eventually leave here having learnt something!

Blog Anniversary

A year, already? It's a slightly embarrassing secret that I'm damned if I can remember how this all began. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my idea, though I leapt on it. I think the honour goes to the Editor, that force behind the scenes who has developed into a mean campaigner and unending source of motivation. Kudos!

As soon as the Blog began, though, we ran into the problem that is the Ministry of Justice. A source of malevolence that is hard to match in any other area of life, the MoJ thought it would just snap its fingers and I would go away...

Thanks to forward thinking on my part, coupled with the speedy efforts of John Hirst and my solicitors, the blogosphere were alerted to this censorship and the Ministry had a very heavy legal tank parked on their lawn. That they even thought I'd just melt away shows how little they know me after thirty years. That hurdle overcome, the real battle began! Writing a piece every single day isn't as easy as it sounds, as millions of bloggers who have abandoned their keyboards will appreciate. Of course, I have had a massive advantage - prisons, prisoners, are inherently interesting. Being the only con attempting to offer a window onto a closed world gives me an edge. And there are also those who get a vicarious thrill from the company of the wicked!

This isn't to imply that writing is a simple process. It rarely is. There is just so much to say and I constantly struggle to find some balance between the personal and the political. This was never intended to be a campaigning blog, let alone aimed at changing my personal situation. Well, campaigning in a broad sense, yes, of course; as people are better informed or challenged on their views, change may gain a little momentum.

But overall, my aim was merely to try to educate and inform. Using events from my own life can be a useful hook to illustrate this Through The Looking Glass existence, but no more than that. This is not, and God forbid it ever becomes, the journal of a solitary mad Lifer...

The hardest challenge is picking my topics (or targets...). The range is so broad, from news items, popular panics and mouthy MPs through to a discussion of the minutiae of prison life. Where should my attention alight? This is a balancing act that I know I will never quite get right and so I tend to adopt a broad scatter-gun approach. Whatever is piquing my interest or getting my goat that day is what I write about. I really can't think of a more efficient filtering algorithm.

I wonder if I have fulfilled my purpose? As a writer, I am deeply insecure. Strange for a grandiose egomaniac, but there you are. The Editor is forever battling me to have a traffic meter installed but I resist it. I don't want to know how many people read what I write, for two reasons. Firstly, if only 3 people are regular visitors, I can do without that depressing news. Secondly, I don't want to fall into the trap of chasing the numbers - writing for specific markets or interests, just to see the chart rise. I do like to know when I've added a follower, and they increase by one or two a week. That's enough for me.

Unexpected events have flowed from the Blog, not least the gathering of a band of campaigners around the Free Prisoner Ben Facebook page. This is not mine, but was created by a kind soul who saw the blog and decided that Something Should Be Done. It is heart-warming to realise that the Daily Mail mentality does not reach all sections of the population!

And I must thank you all for your patience. This is a meagre blog, one that cannot live up to most of the essential ingredients of blogging, such as the interactivity. Your persistence in bearing up under the constraints is very much appreciated.

Most of all, though, I am grateful to have the opportunity to add a strand of purpose to life. There are so few reasons to get out of bed in prison - "same shit, different day" - and having a small purpose in life helps to mitigate the corrosive effects of my situation. And without you, that would not exist. I certainly
wouldn't be sitting here writing at 8am!

And would it be mischievous of me to point out that none of the catastrophes predicted by anti-prison bloggers have come to pass? The fears of terrorism, crime, threatening witnesses or - as offered by Iain Dale - coded messages being transmitted to evil accomplices; none have transpired. And so I can only say thank you all, and "The iron cow swims at noon. Pass it on".

Time and Tribulations

I strongly argue that there is little evidence that long term imprisonment causes measurable psychological damage. Except...

My sheer inability to measure the passage of time is becoming a genuine hindrance. Not to prison life, particularly, where nothing happens with any speed, but in relation to matters outside.

Replying to mail, my studies, forging and maintaining those important connections with the world...all of these are being degraded by a part of my brain that seems to have abandoned ship.

Is the blog really a year old? It could, in my estimation, been a few months or two years ago that I began. Has that pile of mail by my side really been neglected for weeks or months, rather than the few days I allocated? Did I last receive a visit two weeks ago, or was it three?

This is really quite scary.

Eviction Notices

The Area Manager for the South West wants to make some space here so he can ship in 35 people to do the silly, expensive and ineffective Offending Behaviour Courses. This means kicking 35 of us out.

There are two ways of doing this. The first is to stick up a notice asking for volunteers to move. You'd be surprised just how many people don't want to be here! This way, you have a bunch of reasonably content cons going from A to B without problems.

Or you could send out 60 snotty letters to cons telling them to pack their kit and get out. This way, you are guaranteed to piss people off. Everybody's solicitor starts firing in to the Governor and the receiving prison is landed with scores of highly disgruntled prisoners.

Guess which option the management here chose? And I am one of the lucky ones who received this cunningly worded invitation to fuck off.

Alas! Whenever my next parole hearing is, the judge has demanded that a witness from the Security Dept here is in attendance. If I'm in another nick, that won't happen and so disrupt the hearing. Moving me, then, would be a disaster. But I wonder...did they consider my research? At any moment did management wonder if this putative move would undermine my PhD and future career? No, of course not. Ladies and gentlemen, you pay through the nose to have prisons run by idiots.

One interesting sideline on this transfer though. A Senior Officer has been heard saying, "Ben Gunn...that will teach him...transfer...who does he think he is with his writing and his website. . ?”

Blog Titles

For a couple of days this blog was entitled, 'Ben's Blog'. I liked the alliteration. Sans net access though, I'd failed to realise that so did a lot of other Bens. It was John Hirst (jailhouselawyer) who persuaded the Editor that Google would be much kinder to "Ben's Prison Blog", so a quick change took place.

Ever since, I've been toying with alternatives, the titles that
never were… "No.6 Speaks..." is my favourite. Any other
suggestions? None of which will be used, you understand, as I'm
not making my Prisoner Ben T -shirt redundant!

Summer hols

Blog Ed is having a little holiday. Normal service will be resumed by Friday, when I shall have internet access again. Sorry. In the meantime, maybe a stroll around the archives would be fun? My personal favourites are Dancing in the Dark, Remorse and How to Serve 30 Years, all from 2009. Ben's Blog is almost a year old! Enjoy.