Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Each of us who has killed finds that it effects us in different ways. And I can only speak for myself, and did so near the start of the blog in a piece on remorse - and how little I could meaningfully say.
Some of us keep psychological disaster at bay by running through life, cramming ourselves with drugs, with energetic pointlessness, distractions - anything to blot out the past. Some kill themselves. Some attempt to live quiet, inoffensive lives, shrinking into themselves.
One of the strongest effects my crime had on me was unexpected, and is difficult to explain. A common criticism I face is that I think to much, that I over-intellectualise about everything. That is just the way my personality and brain works, and I accept that limitation.
That may - only may - help to explain why it is that I developed an obsession with "power". It is a way that helps me to get to grip with the vast and turbulent oceans of emotion that pummel my psyche because of my crime. By shifting the focus from my guts to my head, I try to make sense of the incomprehensible. The stilted style of these few posts reveal the struggle that inevitably follows from attempting to put emotions into comprehensible sentences, and I am no poet.
On a very visceral level, I make some sense of what I did in viewing it as an abuse power, and in the worst of ways, killing another person. As a reaction to that, I developed a true and unshakeable detestation of abuses of power, both in myself and in others. This is what connects my crime with my campaigning, which I feel compelled to do even though it has cost me very many extra years in prison. It helps reduce my emotional turmoil and, just possibly, may lead me to make some small positive contribution to life.