Sunday, March 13, 2011
Let's Get Personal
What could I possibly say to my victim’s family? That I have spent my life transforming myself; that I am not the person I was, and that I always fight to improve the world that surrounds me? All of these are true.
And I know that if my sister’s killer told me these things, I would shrug my shoulder. So what? Because nothing can ever change the past, nothing brings back my sister or my victim.
There is a lot I could say. But none of it means anything, nothing changes what I did.
Should I make a "success" in my future on release? Should I have a semi-public profile as, say, a writer or a criminologist? Should I make a decent living and have a lifelong relationship that sustains me and lights up my existence?
And how would my victim’s family feel if, for instance, I suddenly appear on the TV pontificating about whatever? I am trapped with this. I'm only human, and I aspire to all that everybody else desires. Nothing changes that, and nothing changes the fact that I killed.
The pursuit of "success" isn't a goal in itself. This blog and any future work will always be rooted in my overriding compulsion to challenge abuses of power. I've never sought publicity or money for its own sake; each of those are mere tools, irrelevant to me except if they provide an opportunity for me to conduct my work.
The instant challenge, the perpetual accusation, will always be that my victim can't have a drink, a girlfriend, a voice, a blog, and all of that is true. There is no answer I can give to such accusations, I can only stand mute and helpless because it is true and unalterable. I am alive and I can do all of these things. Even if I was dead, would that change anything? What am I to do? All I can do is live, as unfair and wicked as that may seem.
And having read everything I've written over the last few days, I can only apologise for the inadequacy of my expression. Attempting to explore my crime and victims may have been a mistake but I felt moved to make the attempt. Minus the gifts of poets, though, it is very obvious that I struggle to grasp the nuances of emotion and nail them onto paper. Thanks for your patience.