Friday, November 27, 2009

Kevin Went Mad

Now and then, the individual eccentricities that we develop tip into something more serious. Occasionally, one of us goes properly bonkers.
Kevin was the nick's resident artist, producing astonishing paintings with the barest of materials. His idea of entertainment was to lie in a haze of dope, making occasional forays towards his canvas. The art paid for the dope, a good portrait going for upwards of sixty quid.
His most controversial effort was a life sized mural of Princess Diana on his cell wall. She was stark naked, legs akimbo, servicing herself with a black dildo of impossible proportions. Kevin complained that it took him ages to finish as he had to keep stopping to masturbate. The screws, Royalists to a man, were livid. This may have been the first sign of his incipient loony-ness.
We were only really sure that he was mad when he took it on himself to march into the Education Department, knock on the office door and shove a copy of Fiesta Readers ' Wives in the face of the Manageress. "Is this you? Ozzie says this is you".
Ozzie knew no such thing. He was upstairs, packing his kit for a very unexpected and sudden move to Open prison. The fallout was spectacular. Ozzie found his move to Open changed into a move to Scrubs, "under investigation". The manageress was mortified. And Kevin went off to a nuthouse. The new occupant of his cell repainted the wall.


  1. Are you saying that your blog is for men only Ben? I found this posting distasteful.

  2. Anonymong: I found it funny, save for the tragic situation Ozzie found himself in.

    The male prison does tend to be a male environment...

  3. Jailhouse Lawyer,

    The writer of the blog seeks to engage with the community not the prison population. If you are suggesting that this is not the purpose of the blog then OK. I will cease forthwith to engage with the blog.

  4. I don't see which bit of the blog is for men only. It seems like a description of a thought-provoking incident in prison to me, though possibly disturbing it is of info. Hope the guy who ended up in a mental health unit didn't end up in a One Flew Over a Cuckoo's Nest situation.

  5. Ben is trying to tell us about prison life and he never said it would always be easy reading. Either he tells it how it is, or some fluffy fiction. I prefer the truth. And if it is hard to read, imagine what it is like to live it.

  6. Distasteful, was it? What part of an all male, all Lifer jail would you expect to find tasteful then?! Sorry, but if you don't want to be offended, better read Jane Austen.

  7. Anonymong: Is Woman's Own still being published?