Friday, March 11, 2011

5. Let's Get Personal cont.....

Every victim feels differently. This is why I rail so often against victim's campaign groups, which attempt to speak for everyone. Some victims fall into a pit of hate and continue to fuel it, their loss becoming the only point of meaning in their lives. Some victims attempt to find the common humanity in their attacker, and find a route to forgiveness. Between these two points, there are a thousand way-stations, a different one for each victim. There is no one way those victims "should" feel.
I know that I travelled along a continuum of feelings when my sister was killed. For many months afterwards I found some small solace in contemplating imaginative ways of destroying my sister’s killer.
And I realised that I found nothing of meaning in that, it was a temporary satisfaction, a distraction from the obvious - my sister was gone, forever. Over the years I have had to think just what it is I would demand of her killer, and I find myself adrift. Ultimately, I want her to accept responsibility for what she did, to bear that burden of conscience, and to live a more responsible life.
Of course, I could tap into a reservoir of anger and possibly hate and fuel it until it corrodes my own spirit. I chose not to, because the inescapable truth is that my sister is gone forever. No matter what I inflict upon her killer, it wouldn't alter that.
What would I hope for from my victim’s family? Nothing. But I do hope that they too have avoided being tormented by bitterness and hate; not for my sake - I can expect nothing less from them - but because it would destroy them. Perhaps, just a little, they might allow that I can get a glimpse of their feelings because of my own loss.


  1. Ben, I hope so, it is truely reconcilliatory then.

    This is a stunning post btw.

    I wish you all the very best and hope that Ben can get out of prison soon.

  2. I cannot imagine how I'd feel if one of my siblings was murdered. I would be a wreck.

  3. This post is amazing in it's honesty, the conflict Ben has lived with for most of his life there to see. I have to agree with Infamous when he say 'This is a stunning post"

    Thank you. I wish you Peace and Love, espcially now given you are still in limbo with regard to your transfer to open. The prison service have a lot to answer for

  4. Ben you are a special person. What a blessing you can be to others, both those who have lost loved ones at the hands of another and those perpetrators who suffer deep shame and remorse. You are in a position to offer such insight, wisdom and comfort to both sides. Please take care of yourself, you are needed in this sad world and are here for a purpose. Love and respect, Jules

  5. Jules just said everything I was thinking. I am keeping everything crossed that you are moving to open very soon.

  6. Ben is right. I can tell you from experience that the hatred and anger that consumes you when you've been wronged eats at you and actually becomes such a part of you that when you try to go to sleep at night, the only relief you get is to think of how you want to hurt those you angry with. Visually experiencing their torture is what brings you peace. Making the switch from that to allowing love to come into heart again is something that you have to do to survive your time inside. Ben has done that and he has to work on it daily to keep it there. When and if he is released, the joy he will feel about life, unimaginable today, is a high that is like nothing that can be described.