Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Each of us who has killed finds that it effects us in different ways. And I can only speak for myself, and did so near the start of the blog in a piece on remorse - and how little I could meaningfully say.
Some of us keep psychological disaster at bay by running through life, cramming ourselves with drugs, with energetic pointlessness, distractions - anything to blot out the past. Some kill themselves. Some attempt to live quiet, inoffensive lives, shrinking into themselves.
One of the strongest effects my crime had on me was unexpected, and is difficult to explain. A common criticism I face is that I think to much, that I over-intellectualise about everything. That is just the way my personality and brain works, and I accept that limitation.
That may - only may - help to explain why it is that I developed an obsession with "power". It is a way that helps me to get to grip with the vast and turbulent oceans of emotion that pummel my psyche because of my crime. By shifting the focus from my guts to my head, I try to make sense of the incomprehensible. The stilted style of these few posts reveal the struggle that inevitably follows from attempting to put emotions into comprehensible sentences, and I am no poet.
On a very visceral level, I make some sense of what I did in viewing it as an abuse power, and in the worst of ways, killing another person. As a reaction to that, I developed a true and unshakeable detestation of abuses of power, both in myself and in others. This is what connects my crime with my campaigning, which I feel compelled to do even though it has cost me very many extra years in prison. It helps reduce my emotional turmoil and, just possibly, may lead me to make some small positive contribution to life.

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow Ben this is so masterfully complicated, I hope that I may be of some help in unraveling one or two things with you.

    You cite seeing and detesting 'abuses of power' as flowing from the reaction to your crime, this may be as you said, but there are many of us who are like this and it is simply in the blood. Who knows you could have been born rebellious but maybe there were some things in your life that antagonised you so much that it culminated in a childhood killing.

    You do do good things now, so don't worry so much about future, although all of us should always be vigilant about making a positive contribution to life at all times possible. We should always do our best.

    You need to let go of trying to understand all the time, that will happen naturally. Give yourself a break, let your heart feel some love towards others and towards yourself.

    If you find that hard to do, you could try to love God (however you see him/her) first and then let it flow.

    You know that there are many of us who care about you, forgiveness and love is here.